When you get right down to it ? and no country on the planet gets right down to it better than ours, don't you think? ? the only NFL mock draft you need is this one.
The Mock Draft of Names. This has nothing to do with 40-yard dash times, bench-press figures, agility drills or Wonderlic scores.
None of that matters. Because this is the mock draft that names names. In fact, that's all it does.
In this mock draft, the only thing that matters is the player's name. All of the following players are actual players actually eligible for the actual NFL draft later this month, and ? that's right ? these are their actual names.
This is how the draft would shake down if the only thing that mattered were names. So alert the Green Room. Here we go:
1. Kansas City: Stansly Maponga, DE, TCU ? He's not Stan, he's not Stanley, he's Stansly, and there's only one of him. "Maponga"? Sheer poetry.
2. Jacksonville: Barkevious Mingo, DE, LSU ? The strength of this draft is melodically-named defensive linemen, and Barkevious Mingo is one of those once-in-a-generation names that could have gone directly from high school to the NFL.
3. Oakland: Momo Thomas, CB, Colorado State ? After this pick, there will be no mo Momo in this draft.
4. Philadelphia: Isi Sofele, RB, California ? Isi Sofele? You bet he is.
5. Detroit: Taimi Tutogi, FB, Arizona ? Pancaked victims of this blocking back can consider themselves "Tutogi'd". Continued...
6. Browns: Laadarian Waddle, OT, Texas Tech ? After considering trading sideways, the Browns keep this pick, because you can't afford to bypass the chance to add a player named after a traditional dance done at Armenian wedding receptions.
7. Arizona: Blidi Wreh-Wilson, CB, UConn ? Whenever you have a chance to draft a guy named Blidi Wreh, you bloody well better.
8. Buffalo: Oday Aboushi, OG, Virginia ? Some feel this is a reach, but the Bills say they are OK with Oday.
9. Jets: Artavious Dowdell, DE, Eastern Illinois ? Offense sells tickets, but cadence wins games.
10. Tennessee: Trent Dupy, C, Tulsa ? The Titans, who would have settled for a Dopey, a Dippy or a Deppy, are joyously loopy at landing Trent Dupy.
11. San Diego: Jaheel Addae, S, Central Michigan ? It was Hall of Fame coach Bill Walsh who first said, "A Jaheel Addae keeps the doctor away."
12. Miami: Cole Zwiefellhofer, P, South Dakota ? His punts and his last name both have legendary hang times.
13. Tampa Bay: Robbie Rouse, RB, Fresno State ? He falls to the Bucs here because some feel Robbie Rouse is a rabble rouser.
14. Carolina: Gokhan Ozkan, OT, Buffalo ? As expected, the Panthers go with the best available Ozkan.
15. New Orleans: Ziggy Ansah, DE, BYU ? What do you get when you ask a Ziggy question? Continued...
16. St. Louis: Ray Ray Armstrong, S, Miami (Fla.) ? Really excels in double coverage.
17. Pittsburgh: Cass Covey, P, Citadel ? A punter in the first round? The Steelers give their fans a stomach ache when they are unable to pass Cass.
18. Dallas: Blaize Foltz, OG, TCU ? We know it and the Cowboys know it. Their biggest need is a hunk-a-hunk o'burning run blocking.
19. Giants: Star Lotulelei, DT, Utah ? He not only has "Star" written all over him, but he fills a need for the Giants because he's the only player in the draft whose name rhymes with "ukulele."
20. Chicago: Alonzo Tweedy, S, Virginia Tech ? Size-wise Tweedy is a tweener. Name-wise Tweedy is a keeper.
21. Cincinnati: Uona Kaveinga, ILB, BYU ? As any defensive coordinator in the league will tell you, you haven't lived until Uona Kaveinga.
22. St. Louis: Toben Opurum, DE, Kansas ? Inexplicably skipped his own pro day workout, causing some scouts to label him "The Phantom of the Opurum."
23. Minnesota: Paipai Falemalu, DT, Hawaii ? Rumor has it that "Paipai" is Polynesian for "Popeye," and that's good enough for the Vikings.
24. Indianapolis: Nick Kasa, TE, Colorado ? After the pick is in, Commissioner Roger Goodell looks to those sitting at the Colts' table and announces "Nick Kasa es su Kasa."
25. Minnesota: Roderick Rumble, WR, Idaho State ? Some names are just made for the NFL. Continued...
26. Green Bay: Joe Unga, OT, Midwestern State ? The over-Unga on his draft slot is 20th.
27. Houston: Zenel Dembasas, OT, Pitt ? The only player in the draft named after a percussion instrument used by most symphony orchestras.
28. Denver: Uzoma Nwachukwu, WR, Texas A&M ? Last name rhymes with "Mwachukwu".
29. New England: Jawanza Starling, S, USC ? ? always a Starling.
30. Atlanta: Omoregie Uzzi, OG, Georgia Tech ? A steal this late in the first round, he is just Uzzing talent.
31. San Francisco: Joaquenssi Eugene, OG, Alabama A&M ? Better known by his nickname "Joaquenss".
32. Baltimore: Eloy Atkinson, C, UTEP ? Would have gone higher in the draft if he wasn't a center, because really cool names should never be wasted on centers.
-- When Cavs forward Tristan Thompson called it "bogus," he was not talking about the lack of effort by so many players in recent games, but about rumors that coach Byron Scott could be in trouble. Apparently Thompson left the University of Texas before taking the class "Cause and Effect 101."
-- It's official. Compared to Kevin Ware the rest of us are a bunch of babies. The University of Louisville folk hero appeared on David Letterman Thursday night to personally read "The Top 10 Thoughts Going Through Kevin Ware's Mind At The Moment Of The Broken Leg."
Number eight: "Hey look ? my tibia!"
I'll never whine about a paper cut again.
-- After Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, who (nudge-nudge) rarely ever says anything designed to get publicity for himself, suggested that he might consider drafting Baylor University All-American Brittany Griner, Miami's Shane Battier said the day is coming when a woman will play in the NBA.
Battier, who allegedly was educated at Duke, said the reason he thinks that is because of "the law of averages."
That must be the same law that says if you drop an anvil out of a second story window enough times that it will eventually fall up.
Nobody enjoys watching women's basketball more than me, but it's hard to envision a woman playing in the NBA when 99.9 percent of the men on planet can't play in the NBA ? including a few who are in the NBA.
-- The closer-less Detroit Tigers have signed their former closer Jose Valverde to a minor-league contract.
The Tigers did not re-sign Valverde after last year's postseason, when in four appearances he gave up nine runs on 11 hits, including two home runs, while only recording eight outs.
By the end of the World Series Valverde's nickname had evolved, from "Papa Grande" to "Mama Mia!"
Weak of the week
The NFL last week announced the exhibition schedule for the coming season, but only what teams will play, and where. The league will announce the exact dates and times of those games sometime later this month.
The NFL did not announce what day it will announce what days and what times those meaningless games will be played. The NFL will make those announcements when its good and ready. The NFL to its fans: You just sit there and wait. So there.
Weak. Very weak.
Source: http://news-herald.com/articles/2013/04/06/sports/nh6763359.txt
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